There are five people on earth that I love more than you could ever imagine. I love them to the moon and back, or at least that’s what I tell them. To be honest, I don\’t even know how much I love them. The way my love for them feels in my heart would be much further than just to the moon and back.
I love my wife. I love my oldest son, Reed. I love my second son, Nash. I love my third son, Will. And I love my baby son, Tuck. I love them so much, so sometimes it’s a little interesting to me that when we go to church, not everyone seems to agree with our nontraditional (or conspicuous) family. A conspicuous family is one in which the family has an obvious difference. For us, the difference is that my wife and I are caucasian and our four sons are Taiwanese.
We first laid eyes on our son, Reed on March 27, 2007. We thought he was beautiful and now that he is a big boy, age 5, he is very handsome. So, it was a little surprising when we were asked by someone at church why his "real mom" didn\’t want him.
Answering this question is tough. We wanted to respond in love, but at the same time, maybe a little sarcastic (sorry, it’s just my nature!). However, my wife explained that his real mom did love him very much. After all, his real mom is my wife. Without missing a beat, she further explained that his birthmom also loved him very much. TIP for Ministry: Help educate your congregation that a child’s real parents are the ones that parent him or her.
On April 29, 2010, we got news that the baby girl we were waiting on was actually a sibling set of a 2-year-old boy and his newborn brother. Reed was going to have two little brothers joining very soon. To be completely honest, we have very little issue with answering people’s questions, as it is exciting to see people’s hearts turn toward adoption. The questions can be hurtful though at times. A friend of mine recently shared that someone had asked her if "she remembered the war" implying that it was inappropriate to adopt a "non-American" child. TIP for ministry: Encourage your congregation to be accepting of kids and familiies from all cultural and racial backgrounds.
The day after our third son’s birthday we received an email asking us if we would consider adding to our family again. We were pretty excited to find out that the birth mother was expecting a little girl. We were then really excited to find out that it wasn\’t a girl, but another brother! So, that leads me to probably our most commonly received question: Are they brothers?
Depending on my mood, the answer can be as simple as "yes," but sometimes I elaborate by saying "They are now." In the interest of tweaking their answers, they clarify by saying: "I mean real brothers." Ouch! Yes, they are real brothers.
Now, I know that what they are really asking is "are they biological," and because not all of our boys are biological brothers, we have chosen not to discuss their blood relation. For right now, Reed, Nash, Will and Tuck are brothers, plain and simple. There might be a time when they need to know that some of them are biological, but we don\’t think its too important right now. TIP for ministry: Help your congregation to know some questions, just don\’t need to be asked. Just assume some information unless you know the person well enough to know the answer anyway.
This is really only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to questions that adoptive parents get asked. And because I know I\’m not the only adoptive parent in ministry, I want to open up the discuss to you. How would you respond to these real-life questions we\’ve been asked in church:
1. How much did you pay for them?
2. Does it bother you that they are not the same race as you?
3. Do they know they are adopted?
4. Why didn\’t you adopt an American baby?
5. Why didn\’t you want real children?
I\’ll follow up at a later date with my responses to those questions. For now, you can enjoy pictures of my beautiful family at www.jeffandabbey2001.blogspot.com.
The one that you mentioned, “REAL” is the one that bothers me –You are not their REAL mom, or are they REAL brother and sister. That’s the one that drives me crazy because now that they are older it is starting to concern them. My comment has always been like your wife’s – “I am their REAL mom”. Last year, I had the opportunity to attend a preteen retreat and since this was a concern for her at the time, I took advantage of including that in my letter to her. To: My REAL daughter, and then I laid out my dreams for her, God’s plans for her, and signed it from Your REAL mom. It seemed to settle this concern in her heart even though we had discussed it many times. There was something about seeing it in print and having me read it to her that had a healing effect.
Yes, educating those in our congregations is a great place to start!
Thanks Bev! What a great idea to share the letter with your daughter. I’m going to use that with my sons when they are old enough.
We adopted a baby boy when he was three days old. We knew the birth mother and it was her decision totally. We have been asked why we didn’t have a “real baby”. I was once referred to as the “other mother” and one lady stated that no matter how legal it was we stole this child and he should be returned to his birth mother if she couldn’t take care of him. I think that one hurt the most. My son is now 19 yrs old and is a wonderful young man. I can’t imagine my life without him. He is God’s and mine (in that order)!!! Adoption is great!!
Wow Debbie! You’ve had quite the “interesting” stories. I am sure that your “real” son love you very much, and I know that you love him too!
I think all of us adoptive parents have found ourselves on the receiving end of these questions/comments/reactions. Most of the people we interact with are very supportive, but that doesn’t always equal understanding. We ran into the issue of what I call the “rock star syndrome” where my son is the favorite at church because he’s the only Asian (he’s also Taiwanese). One morning, I was talking with someone and felt my son being pulled out of my arms. My husband had been close by so I assumed it was him. By the time I realized it wasn’t him, the lady who was now holding my son was posing with him so her friend could take a picture of her with him. I recognized the woman, but I didn’t even know her name. I guarantee she’s never spoken to either me or my husband before. I just wanted to shout, “He’s not a new puppy, he’s my son!” I also hate seeing other children the same age getting slighted while everyone pays so much attention to my little boy. I try to remind myself that nearly all reactions/comments/questions are simply out of ignorance, but it doesn’t make it easier. I wholeheartedly agree with you that we need to proactively help others understand what’s appropriate and what’s not.
Funny you should post this- I just posted a few weeks ago about the very same issues on my blog! (chismtrail-april.blogspot.com)
How much did he/she cost? My answer: It varies by agency and country. We didn’t pay for our child; we paid for the legal fees and paperwork. I can give you some resources if you’d like to look into adoption.
Does it bother me that she isn’t the same race as me? No one has asked me that question (yet) but now I’ve got my answer ready to go: Not at all, does it bother you?
I want to be able to answer people’s questions with patience and in love. To educate the ignorant; not just tell them off and walk away. Sometimes it’s hard!
My ‘favorite’ question about our Korean daughter was whether or not she’d speak Korean (She came home at 8 months). “Uhh, only if you teach it to her…We don’t know Korean!” Now, she will have the opportunity to learn it if she wants, but I don’t understand how she is expected to know her language without being surrounded by it any more than American kids know English without being taught. We are always open to people who are being genuine and want to talk, but if they’re just nosy and ignorant, we have fun with them. My daughter is our youngest and her older brothers are biological to us. So when people used to ask if she was adopted (kind of obvious – and RUDE to ask if you don’t know us or have a connection to adoption)…and my husband was out alone with the kids, he’d respond “No, my wife’s first husband is Korean.” That would satisfy them for a nano-second until they did the math and realized she was the baby. lol! A little sarcasm goes a long way. If we really knew those asking, we’d re-educate them. My daughter (9) is starting to ask about her birth parents…and she started calling them her ‘real’ parents. We have to re-educate her, too…we knew what she meant, but it hurt a bit…She gets it now. We’ll always love her the same as the others no matter what!
Amy, I think it is so funny when people ask us if our kids will know Mandarin. With the exception of Nash (who did know Mandarin, but doesn’t like to hear it used!), our boys were 6.5 months, 4.5 month, and 4.5 months when they came home. I said the only thing they do is cry in Chinese.
I completely agree!
April – to be honest, I can get pretty sarcastic when answering the “How much did he cost?” question.
Hi There – I am South African and have an adopted daughter who is now 17. When asked is that your mom – her reply is cant your see the resemblance (i am white she is black)…………….
That’s awesome!
Whenever the “love” of our son or daughters biological mom comes up we always say “your birth mom loved you so much she made a plan for your life”. No lack of love and no giving up. A conscientious decision to provide a better life than they felt they were capable of. For this, these women have my respect.
There is no “Real mom” in our language. It is simply Mom and Birth-mom. Both are “real”.