By: Crystal Mazzuca
Fall is a season of change. The air grows colder, colors in nature transform, and the menus at our favorite coffee shops all have pumpkin spice something. Fall can also bring changes for kids. They are starting new grades with new teachers. They may even move to new places and have a need to make new friends.
Kids often find themselves in new environments, facing different changes and challenges. Friendships help grow confidence and security as kids develop a sense of real connection and true belonging. Helping kids make friends develops skills they can use in every season of change they face.
The Importance of Friendship
There is a lot at stake when it comes to kids and friendships. A lack of friendships can lead to loneliness, disengagement, and struggles in group settings. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services1, friendships are vital to kids’ well-being. Friendships increase support, companionship, and social skills while decreasing victimization and emotional problems.
Church can be a training ground for kids learning to make friends. Our classrooms and small groups open doors for building these skills. From the foundational aptitude of getting to know others to displaying the biblical gifts of kindness, patience, generosity, and humility—our ministry spaces are places where the concept of making friends can be intentionally taught.
Friendship Skills
- Asking Questions: While many kids are naturals when it comes to asking questions about the world, they are not always intuitive when it comes to asking questions about others. We can provide games, activities, and opportunities where the goal is simply getting to know each other. More than that, we can give kids questions to ask each other. Not only does this help kids find things in common, but it also helps them see the positive power of showing other people that you are interested in who they are and what they have to say.
- Listening: Asking questions is one thing but listening well is another. As we give kids opportunities to ask each other questions, we can also encourage good listening. This looks like asking follow-up questions, responding with interest while others talk, and remembering what others share. Leaders can model this and celebrate when they see it happening.
- Sharing: Adults are known for reminding kids to share. Sharing is a great concept. But when we help kids understand the heart behind sharing, it can help them become thoughtful and generous friends. “Don’t neglect to do what is good and to share, for God is pleased with such sacrifices.” (Hebrews 13:16) Sharing pleases God and it honors others. Directing kids to work and play in groups with shared resources and common goals can help them see how sharing pleases God and how sharing is kind to others.
- Encouraging: Words have the power to build others up or tear them down (Ephesians 4:29; James 3:1-12). We can help kids practice using kind and encouraging words. Demonstrating and celebrating encouragement teaches kids that their words can help make and maintain friendships. Kids can know that encouragement is something we offer for the sake of the other person—though the friendships it forms benefits us as well.
- Handling Conflict: Conflict is inevitable. Teaching kids how to handle conflict well sets them up for healthy friendships in the future. When kids are in conflict, we can give them space and time to talk, share, apologize, and problem solve. Rather than reconciling their conflict ourselves, we can help kids learn that conflict resolution is a good and important friendship skill.
Leaders Can Cultivate Friendships
Kids Ministry leaders are uniquely positioned to help kids cultivate friendships at church. Every season kids move to new classes, small groups, and grades is a season when leaders can double down on cultivating friendships. Each time a visitor joins us and each time a kid comes back after an absence, it is a chance to practice friendship-making skills that help all kids feel seen, known, and like they belong.
This starts by creating welcoming environments. The Lifeway book Flip the Script says it like this:
“Think circles, not rows. The ways that we arrange our chairs within the spaces we meet can enhance or impede the effectiveness of relational connections. As we try to build ministries that are founded on relationships, we find that circles are better than rows.” 2
When we create welcoming environments where kids are playing, talking, and learning in circles—encouraging discussion and involvement—we are creating environments where friendships are made.
Leaders can also model friendship. As we ask kids questions and remember fun facts about them, we show other kids what it looks like to get to know others. Showing interest, humility, kindness, and care demonstrates for kids how to be good friends.
Additionally, leaders can be intentional about modeling inclusivity. Intentionally inviting kids to join in to whatever we are doing demonstrates that we can be on the lookout to help people feel welcome. The simple act of always inviting someone makes a difference for the kids we include and the kids watching us include.
Friendships For All Kids
In helping kids make friends, it is important to remember that not all kids click and make connections right off the bat. However, all kids can be kind and friendly to others. There are some kids who find it easy to make friends with anyone and everyone. There are other kids who struggle to build connections with people they don’t know or people who are different than them. When we are intentional to prioritize helping kids learn friendship-making skills, two positive things can happen.
First, we help all kids learn to look for and lean into friendships with others regardless of their backgrounds, interests, or personalities. Second, we see kids who might otherwise feel alone or isolated being welcomed, included, and encouraged by others. Focusing on building friendships with all kids makes an incomparable impact in the lives of everyone they meet.
It is important to note that not all kids will be best friends. Yet our time with kids at church can help them learn to be friendly, kind, and welcoming to others no matter what. Speaking one-on-one with kids who may be struggling with patience, understanding, and inclusion offers valuable lessons about how we are called to love others. Challenging kids to step out of their comfort zones, try new things, and take a chance with others can help kids learn what it looks like to make friends when it is not always easy.
Friendships Beyond Church
As leaders are intentional to cultivate friendships within church, we can know these skills will translate outside of church. Kids who learn to build friendships when they change grades at church can build friendships when they change grades at school. Kids who learn to include and share while playing at church can include and share when they are at a playground or join a sports team. Kids who learn to care for and be kind to all kids at church can care for and be kind to kids in their schools and communities who might otherwise struggle to make friends.
Thinking further down the road, kids who develop a strong foundation of friendship-making skills can grow into teenagers and adults who value and work well with others. They can grow into teenagers who are kind, encouraging, and thoughtful. They can grow into adults who live intentionally in their communities, growing friendships in their workplaces and neighborhoods. What kids learn now can forever change them for the future.
Conclusion
When we see the value of helping kids make friends and intentionally work to model and help kids cultivate friendships, we are making a difference for the kingdom of God. Kids who develop friendship-making skills can show God’s love to others. They can develop the confidence and care needed to be kind, inclusive, generous, humble, and helpful. We can help kids be obedient and live out their faith by being good friends.
“Above all, maintain constant love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining. Just as each one has received a gift, use it to serve others, as good stewards of the varied grace of God. If anyone speaks, let it be as one who speaks God’s words; if anyone serves, let it be from the strength God provides, so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 4:8-11)
Welcoming environments, intentional connection time, providing questions, modeling inclusion, and allowing time for kids to play and share together in circles rather than rows are all things every leader can do in our ministry spaces. Let’s value helping kids make friends.
2025 Family Advent Guide
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