To a child a divorce is the death of a marriage — their parent’s marriage. In most divorcing situations it is the death of the only family life they have ever known. It is a tremendous interruption to their lives.

        Read Part 1 of “Children of Divorce: Blessed Are The Ones that Grieve”

Many children are left standing in the middle wondering where they belong and questioning which direction and whom to follow. It can be hard for children to find comfort when they live in limbo, so to speak, between two families and perhaps even two churches.

Do I Still Exist?

Many children wonder if either of their parents still loves them. After all the child was told the parents loved each other when they married but now they no longer love each other. They wonder, “Does this mean my parent can fall out of love with me too?”

Andrew Root writes in his book, “The Children of Divorce:  The Loss of Family as a Loss of Being”,

It is my belief that our humanity (and very being) is upheld in community. For each one of us, the most significant and core of these communities is the one made up of a biological mother and father. Without their community, there would be no child. So when that community is destroyed, it is a threat to the child’s being.  Divorce, therefore, should be seen as not just the split of a social unit, but also the break of community in which the child’s identify rest.”

Andrew’s parents divorced when he was a young adult. He began to question his very existence.  “Divorce is a threat to a child’s very ontology, to his or her very being…when the community that rated a child dissolves, the child is left exposed not only psychologically and socially, but ontologically.”

Are those of us in the church underrating what divorce does to a child? Research shows that divorce is the second highest rated stress event in a child’s life with death being number one.  It takes a child of divorce on average about ten years to completely process the divorce. Many parents don’t wait ten years to remarry so the child is thrown into another marriage, or possibly two other marriages if both parents remarry.

What Does Divorce Do to a Child’s Relationship with God?

For some children they turn to God. They depend on Him as their comforter and as their heavenly Father. Other children turn away from God. They say things like, “If God the heavenly Father is anything like my dad, I want nothing to do with Him.” Or “I used to think my dad was the best but now that he has left and never carries through on his promises how can I believe him and how can I believe a God who my dad is supposed to be like?”

Divorce can destroy a child’s relationship with the church and with God. Many adult children of divorce do not attend church as adults. Some will tell you that the rejection from the church hurts almost as the divorce itself.

Society has now reared an entire generation of kids whose parents divorced. We have pretty much lost many of those adults to church. Don’t you think it’s about time we stepped up and reached out to the child of divorce? It is time to talk about divorce in front of them. Ask them questions about the time with dad or with mom. Accept they will only be at your church every other weekend. It is now their schedule so work with them on special projects. Love them and be patient with them as they search for truthful answers to their questions about their parent’s love, devotion and God’s presence in their lives.

Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child — this one is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one child like this in My name welcomes Me. “But whoever causes the downfall of one of these little ones who believe in Me — it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea! (Matthew 18:4-6, HCSB)

    Read Part 1 of “Children of Divorce: Blessed Are The Ones that Grieve”

Linda Ranson Jacobs has been a children’s ministry director, developed DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids), operated a therapeutic child care, and has extensive experience at successfully accommodating challenging behaviors. She is a leading expert on children of divorce. Linda is featured as an expert on the DivorceCare and the Single & Parenting dvd video series.

“Those who mourn are blessed, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4, HCSB).

How many children’s leaders have ever thought of the verse in Matthew when a child has lost a parent to death? We hurt for the child who is mourning the loss of a parent. We might swoop in, or be called in, to help the child understand and help them mourn. Food is probably brought in for the family. People talk to the child; pray with the remaining parent and in general we care for this family. But how many of us have ever thought of the verse in Matthew for the child of divorce?

To a child a divorce is the death of a marriage — their parent’s marriage. In most divorcing situations it is the death of the only family life they have ever known. It is a tremendous interruption to their lives. Instead of having two parents that are one unit caring for the child, the child has to learn to deal with two separate individuals going separate directions and living in separate homes. And many times they must cope with arguing and warring parents. Many children are left standing in the middle wondering where they belong and questioning which direction and whom to follow?

What the Church Doesn’t Do

Unlike bereavement in the death of a parent, the child of divorce usually faces this time alone. There are no church people that come in and minister to the child. There are no meals brought in to help during the transition time. Do you realize how much a meal brought in ministers to the child? It says people at church care for him or her.

For the most part the family support system is gone and the community of friends and extended family tend to distance themselves over time leaving the children to navigate the divorce journey alone. They mourn alone. Most children’s church attendance drops after the divorce of their parents. If a child of divorce does attend your church it is usually every other week so the visitation schedule can be accommodated.

One week with dad at dad’s new church and the next week at mom’s church can leave a child questioning their loyalties to a particular group of people. Sometimes these are different denominations. Imagine the confusing thoughts when a child attends different churches:

• Do I stand or kneel during the prayers?
• Is it okay to raise my hands during the praise time? Or does this church have praise time?
• Am I supposed to take part in this communion stuff?
• How does all this stuff work?
• Is it okay if I wear shorts and t-shirt to this church?
• Do I call the man up front a preacher, or a minister, or a priest?

Many times the adults in a child’s life forget to explain things. The parents are divorcing so they talk to lawyers and counselors. They might make appointments with the clergy to discuss their separation and divorce. But whom do the kids talk to when they are struggling just to cope? It can be hard for children to find comfort when they live in between — in limbo so to speak, between two congregations.

Read Part 2 of Children of Divorce: Blessed Are The Ones that Grieve on Thursday, June 5.

Linda Ranson Jacobs has been a children’s ministry director, developed DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids), operated a therapeutic child care, and has extensive experience at successfully accommodating challenging behaviors. She is a leading expert on children of divorce. Linda is featured as an expert on the DivorceCare and the Single & Parenting dvd video series.