Love Languages

February 12, 2013

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language – Gift 5 – Acts of Service

Today we take a brief look at the final love language, acts of service. Before we examine how acts of service impact our children, let’s think about ourselves, and how we demonstrate this gift. According to Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, acts of service are both physically and emotionally demanding. If our lives become imbalanced our attitude toward service as well as everything else in life suffers. As parents, we not only serve our children, we serve our spouses. A second aspect to keep is mind is that parents, our “primary motivation is not to please them (our children).” Our chief purpose is to do what is best for them. Third, acts of service must be spoken in relation to the other four love languages. Fourth, our acts of service become models for our children. We set the example for our children to follow.

What is the purpose of acts of service? According to Chapman and Campbell, the purpose of acts of service is to guide our children to grow into mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service. What are some things children with the love language of acts of service can do?

Bake cookies for friends or neighbors
Clean the kitchen after dinner
Work in the yard with parents
Pick up their toys without being told
Assist with washing and folding laundry
Make cards or other gifts for people
Pick up garbage
Assist with cleaning up after an event at church or school

Children with the language of service have a “How can I help” attitude. Be careful not to take advantage of the children, but allow them to serve and speak their language. Also note, that children have a way of doing things that is not always the way we adults would do them. Allow the children freedom to learn and serve without criticizing.

“Parents whose children speak this primary love language learn that serving is loving. Serve your child—and others—and they will know you love them.”

Encouragement, Fun, Leadership, Training

February 11, 2013

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language – Part 3 – Quality Time

By tcapps

The third love language discussed in The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell is quality time. Chapman and Campbell define quality time as “focused attention.”

When was the last time you sat and listened to your child? How focused were you on your child? What did you learn from her?

My oldest daughter, Paige, is a very quality time teenager. I have noticed with Paige that in a group, or even when her sister is around, Paige is rather quiet and withdrawn. However, when it is just Paige and me, she can talk nonstop. She will tell me things, ask me to pray for things, and share things I know she does not share with others.

One thing I have noticed recently is the amount of time people spend on electronic devices. I am concerned when I see parents spending more time on their cell phones, texting, or checking their email at dinner than talking with their children. I have had times that I wanted to go say to someone, “You will have plenty of time to check your email when your daughter is grown. If you don’t listen to her now, she will not talk to you when she is grown.”

Chapman and Campbell state that the most important factor in quality time is not the event itself, but that you and your child are dong something together. Paige and I have daddy/daughter dates. I take her to her favorite restaurant and treat her like I did her mother when we were dating. I want her to learn how she should be dated (when that starts in about 20 years).

Here are some more tips for awesome quality time:

1. Turn off the television

2. Silence your cell phone and other electronic devices

3. Maintain eye contact with your child

4. Do not force your child to share personal information

5. Share things with your child that will create a special bond

6. Keep things your child shares with you confidential

7. Engage in positive conversation; do not use this time with your child to correct and point out negative behaviors

A personal challenge to the men: men tend to be “fixers”—we want to fix every problem. Sometimes your child may share something with you that you feel needs to be fixed. Be careful! If you begin to fix things that you child does not want you to fix, she may stop telling you things. Learn to listen and carefully decide when to act and when to simply listen.

Got to go! My daughter is wanting to talk!

Fun, Leadership, Resources

February 11, 2013

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language – Part 4 – Gifts

By tcapps

So far we have examined three of the love languages. The fourth language described by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell in The Five Love Languages is gifts. Chapman and Campbell state “a true gift is not payment for services rendered; rather, it is an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor.” A gift is not tied to actions, such as the giving of a gift when your child cleans her room. Gifts should be conditional.

Notice these statements about children with the primary love language of gifts:

Children are not concerned with the size and cost of the gift.
Children see gifts as expressions of love.
Children may get excited about school supplies and clothes if they are presented in the right manner.
Parents need to be selective in what they give their children, advertisements can manipulate parents into giving too much.
“Not every toy needs to be educational, but they should all serve some positive purpose in the life of your children.”

Knowing I would be writing this blog post on Sunday afternoon, I purposely observed the children in my Sunday School class. I am currently teaching in a four-year-old class, however most of the children are turning five (the age at wish love languages begin to emerge). I notice several who seem to have the primary love language of physical touch. These children loved to sit on the floor with me or one of the other teachers, sitting as close as possible. Two girls seem to be developing the language of quality time. They loved to have Mr. Tom sit and talk with them. The two kids I noticed the most were Kevin and Danielle. Our preschool minister had placed small “thank-you” gifts in the room for all of the teachers. Kevin noticed the gifts first. He asked, “Who are these for?” I told him they were thank-you gifts for the teachers. He said, “That was nice of Mrs. Kim to give you those. Getting cookies is a good gift.” Kevin continued to explain how nice the gift was. Finally, Danielle said, “I like to get gifts.” I continued the conversation by asking, “what are some of the gifts you have gotten?” Danielle and Kevin both listed a variety of gifts they had received, include why they had received the gift (birthday, Christmas, or “just because”) and from whom they had received the gifts. I thought to myself, Kevin and Danielle are both developing the love language of gifts.

Who do you know who has the love language of gifts? If it is your spouse, make sure you speak her/his love language this week. If it is one of your children, speak to them in ways they understand. Remember – it is not the size of the gift that counts, but the act of giving the gift.

What is the most special gift you have ever received? How did it speak to your love language?

Encouragement, Leadership, Resources

February 7, 2013

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language, Part 2 – Words of Affirmation

By tcapps

Can you complete this statement?

• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words …

Do you agree with the statement? Why or why not?

Words have a lot of power behind them. How does it make you feel when you hear someone referred to as “stupid,” “overweight,” or a “failure”? Even words spoken in a joking manner can impact a person.

In The Five Love Languages of Children, Chapman and Campbell state, “Long before they can understand the meaning of words, children receive emotional messages. The tone of voice, the gentleness of mood, the ambiance of care, all communicate emotional warmth and love.” For children to understand the meaning of “I love you,” they must first understand the meaning of the word love. As you demonstrate love to children, they begin to connect the word with actions.

What types of words of affirmation can be used?

Words of praise are used when a child achieves something or his behavior or attitudes are worthy of being pointed out. Praise is for something over which the child has a degree of control. Because a child can learn when praise is given for justified reasons and when it is given just to make her feel better, praise should be appropriate and sincere. Praise should be specific: “Great job on your homework!” or “You did an outstanding job at your piano recital!”
Words of encouragement are used to encourage a child to continue in her efforts or to try more. “Come on, you can do it,” “You are almost there,” or “This is going to be the best” are some statements you can use to encourage your child. The goal is to catch your child doing something the correct way and encourage him to continue.
Words of guidance are intended to help your child develop the qualities he will need throughout his life. Words of guidance must be spoken in a kind, gentle, loving manner, not a “do this or else” tone of voice.

One of my best friends has a 10-year-old son who is the poster child for words of affirmation. Spending time with the family reminds me of the principles Chapman and Campbell outline in their book. I notice this when our children play soccer. While Ethan is playing well as part of the team, his parents yell and support him, but as soon as Ethan makes a bad play, his dad begins to shout the correct plays. I have watched as Ethan immediately shuts down. His facial expressions change as well as his attitude toward the game. If the team wins, Ethan’s parents are full of praise and excitement. If the team loses, all of the bad plays are pointed out.

Ethan, as well as other children whose primary love language is words of affirmation, need correction, but they need it in ways that will not destroy their self-confidence or their desire to continue in sports or whatever activity they are participating in.

Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind when dealing with the words of affirmation child:

Watch your tone of voice.
Select your words carefully.
Use praise often, but sincerely.
Guide your child to understand why and how he can improve without destroying his motivation.
Write down your words of affirmation. Tuck a note in his lunch box or backpack.
Use words to tell your child you love him.
Avoid harsh and negative words.
Remember – your child needs verbal affirmation of your actions.

Is your primary love language words of affirmation? What are some things (positive and negative) that have impacted you through your love language?

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language – Gift 5 – Acts of Service

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language – Part 3 – Quality Time

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language – Part 4 – Gifts

Understanding Your Child’s Love Language, Part 2 – Words of Affirmation

All Ministry Sites

Digital Resources

Lifeway Network