Sometimes I feel like a failure. I think everyone does. And without trying to be self-deprecating, I’ve lived long enough, worked long enough, and tried long enough to have had my fair share of experiences that at least felt a whole lot like failing. I’ve been cut from teams, did poorly on tests, and needed correction in annual reviews. And it’s always painful.

It’s still the moment when no matter how gospel-fluent you think you are that you question your self-worth and wonder if you have the courage to even try again. But even though it’s personally difficult, it pales in comparison at this point in my life to the difficulty of seeing my children fail at something.

That’s what’s truly gut-wrenching – to watch your own child fail at a sport, or a class, or a social encounter, or a whatever. As parents, we can’t stop these moments; nor should we try to. Failure is a terrible experience but a wonderful teacher. So if, then, as parents we are committed to actually allowing our children to fail at some things, then we would do well to ask the question of how to respond appropriately to them when they do.

What do you say when he strikes out? Or when she makes a bad grade? Or when they mess up the joke they’re trying to tell and everyone laughs at them instead of with them? It certainly must be different in every situation, so I’m not sure that it’s a good idea to be particularly formulaic in trying to come up with the right response. There are, however, some things that perhaps we should NOT say:

1. “It’s not the end of the world.”

That’s a true statement. It’s not the end of the world. And, most likely, the pain of that particular failure will be short-lived. But in that moment, when the tears are falling, when the shame feels too deep, when a child simply cannot see the way forward, it’s not a soothing balm when a parent trivializes what has happened to them. There is a right time to offer this kind of perspective, but in the meantime, what a child might need more than that perspective is a parent who will truly feel with them. It’s a mom or a dad who can enter into their sadness with them without trying to tell them how minimal the pain they feel so acutely really is.

Such, I think, is what we find in our heavenly Father, who has recorded all my wanderings and put all my tears in a bottle (Psalms 56:8). When we enter into the sadness of the moment, we can respond with true compassion rather than a response that might seem like triteness.

2. “You’re better than that.”

Most of us have high expectations for our kids. That’s a good thing. I think we do our children a disservice when we don’t challenge them to reach higher. But when a child is sitting in the middle of a failure, it might not be the best time to remind them of those expectations. While it might be true that they can do better – that they can study harder, or watch the ball more closely, or pay more attention – it might also be true that we have overestimated their true ceiling. There comes a moment, then, when all those expectations we have for our children can cease to be an exciting and motivating challenge for them and instead become a crushing weight.

Thankfully, we have a heavenly Father who understands our inadequacies more adequately than even we do ourselves: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him. For he knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust” (Psalms 103:13-14).

3. “You don’t have to do this any more if you don’t want to.”

This statement is the easy road, both for us as parents and our children. When we see our kids trying something, whether a sport, an instrument, or maybe a harder class at school, and failing, there is something in us that wants to escape. And we want to escape not only for our kids; we want to escape for ourselves. So when the failure comes, the easiest thing in the world would be to offer a quick way out. You can quit the team. You can stop practicing the tuba. You can drop the class. But this, too, is a mistake, because the easy way out teaches the easy way out. Of course there are limits to this, but we too quickly allow our kids to develop a mindset of abandonment instead of a mindset of perseverance.

There is great value in perseverance, and the best instructor for perseverance is failure. So while it might be easy to offer to remove the thing that is causing such pain, it does very little in terms of overall heart development, for the Lord is for those who keep their promises, whatever the cost (Psalms 15:4).

Like their parents before them, our kids are going to fail. And for us as their parents, failure is one of the best opportunities to remind our kids of the gospel – for it’s in the gospel that we know God enters into our sadness with us, loves us as we are, and will help us persevere to the end.

Michael Kelley lives in Nashville, Tenn., with his wife, Jana, and three children: Joshua, Andi, and Christian. He serves as the Sr. Vice President of Church Ministries for Lifeway Christian Resources. He is the author of Growing Down: Unlearning the Patterns of Adulthood that Keep Us from Jesus, Wednesdays Were Pretty Normal: A Boy, Cancer, and God; Transformational Discipleship; and Boring: Finding an Extraordinary God in an Ordinary Life.

This post originally appeared on michaelkelley.co.

By Sarah Humphrey

I’m not sure about you, but I wasn’t 100% prepared for parenting when I became a parent. In fact, I was mostly clueless. Like many parents, learning how to raise kids came with a new need to read up on the topic, have a lot of prayer, trial, and error in my process, and also a lot of truth and grace about my present reality.  What I didn’t know, I started to study.  What didn’t work, I started to change.  And what I did well, I continued.  Just like learning anything in life, God has been gracious with me as I’m still learning to steward the lives of little ones, whether my own children or other children I encounter in life or ministry.

Over the course of the last eleven years, I’ve compiled a short list for myself on the top 8 things I’ve noticed children need from a healthy caregiver.  This has also helped me tremendously as a person, because all of us are still living with our childhood in tow, and watching children grow brings out the inner-child in us as well. 

Most people are juggling a lot of things at this time, whether school work and mask mandates, transitioning job responsibilities, or simply the demands of house and home. In a time when life can feel overwhelming, a short list can help us focus and come to a place of peace in our caregiving.

Here are the top 8 ways I’ve learned (and am still learning) to steward the grace of parenting:

1. Be present.  Being aware, hands-free, and focused shows kids that they are important and that they matter.  Knowing this early on provides connection, comfort, and safety.
2. Be prepared. Showing my kids that I have thought of them ahead of time makes them feel loved, seen, cared about, and nurtured.  When I’ve taken care of myself, I can much more easily take care of them. Self-care is a great way to be able to remind yourself that you have to fill your cup before pouring it out.
3. Be intentional.  Looking for the ways to support or participate with your kids is one of the easiest ways to create healthy connections. Whether it’s getting up a few minutes early to make them breakfast, washing the clothes they love to wear, or clearing my calendar for events that matter to them, the simple act of intentionality makes everyone feel seen and valued.
4. Be truthful. Kids love the truth. They are most often literal thinkers, and they need caregivers who will spend the time teaching them all the “Why’s” of life. Knowing the truth helps them feel safe, confident, and smart.
5. Be encouraging.  As much as we are truthful, we also need to be encouraging. Kids thrive on enthusiasm and support.  Knowing that they are being guided, supported, and loved helps them thrive within themselves and with others.
6. Be a good listener. Listening to kids is one of the smartest things we can do.  Kids are usually honest.  By hearing their requests, feelings, and thoughts, we show them that we care.
7. Be patient and graceful.  Kids are learning so many new things every day.  It can feel overwhelming at times! Imagine being in a new city and not knowing how to get from one place to the next.  Children can often feel that way in a big world. Take the time to slow down and be gentle.
8. Be playful and adventurous. Being around children brings out our sense of fun and imagination.  Take the time to be spontaneous, enjoy laughter, and have an out-of-the-box day or activity. As adults, it’s so important that we remember that the world is in God’s hands, and we can rest in that!

More than anything, enjoy the little ones in front of you. Caregiving takes a lot of energy, focus, and time, but there are few things more fulfilling than nurturing the life right in your midst!

Sarah is a wife and homeschool mom to three kids while also working as an artist, author, and voice actor.  Her writing and doodling can be found in her devotional, “40 Days to a Joyful Motherhood” and her voice in several commercials, children’s books, and audiobooks. She loves encouraging women and kids to embrace self-care, utilize their gifts, and become leaders in the community around them.