Parenting

July 21, 2021

Teaching Kids to Cultivate Gratitude

By Sarah Humphrey

“Is the glass half empty or half full?”

This wise, old expression teaches us more daily lessons in eight words than most full length television shows. It’s a reminder to think positively, give thanks, and look for what is good.

I recently sat down with my three littles to do a daily devotion. This summer has been different for them, and they’ve been struggling with some disappointment. The weather has been filled with more rain than sun, so our pool days have been much fewer than we typically experience. The neighborhood kids that usually knock on our door from sun up to sun down are doing an extra summer program with the public school because of the past year of COVID restrictions, so it also seems extremely quiet for the majority of the day. The phrase “I’m bored” has made its way in and through our four walls more times than I’d like to admit, and it became time for us to talk through what was going on.

I walked to the kitchen sink, filled a glass to the middle of the cup, and set it down on the table.

“Is this glass half empty or half full?”

I got both answers, as well as one response of “Is this a trick question?”

It wasn’t a trick question, but I did want to make them think! So often in our lives, it’s easy to slide into the negative side of processing. For adults and children alike, we can look at all the ways we aren’t fulfilled in some way and then slide into a slippery slope of complaint. As an adult who is with kids all the time, I often have to remind myself to keep my own glass more than half full! But the more we purposely choose to look at the glass as half full instead of half empty, is exactly when we start to gather gratitude and new ideas for what is right in front of us.

A simple reminder can change our attitude into gratitude! If you or the kids around you are struggling to remember to see life half full instead of half empty, consider this easy activity to train your brain into a new way of thinking.

Find a favorite Bible verse that expresses your gratitude to God. We’re choosing Psalm 9:1 in our house: “I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.”
Have each child write this verse on a notecard, piece of paper, or even decorate it with paint on a small canvas. Allow the kids to have time to see the Scripture “come to life” through art or handwriting.
Each evening, set an empty glass next to the Bible verse on your kitchen counter or table.
Each morning when you wake up, read the verse aloud and fill up the water glass for a fresh drink. (This is not only a good metaphor, but it’s also a good, health habit!)
Commit the day to gratitude, praise, and thanking God for all the ways He’s filled your cup. A simple morning prayer can change everything!
Do this every day for one week, and see how new thinking patterns develop for you and the kids around you. Feel free to continue as long as needed in order to foster the habits of gratitude, positive thinking, and prayer!

Sarah is a wife and homeschool mom to three kids while also working as an artist, author, and voice actor. Her writing and doodling can be found in her devotional, “40 Days to a Joyful Motherhood” and her voice in several commercials, children’s books, and audiobooks. She loves encouraging women and kids to embrace self-care, utilize their gifts, and become leaders in the community around them.

Family, Parent Helps, Parenting

June 30, 2021

3 QUESTIONS FOR PARENTS TO ASK BEFORE SAYING “YES” TO ANOTHER ACTIVITY

By Michael Kelley

I am consistently amazed by the sheer volume of opportunities there are for children in today’s culture. It seems like everywhere you turn there is a permission slip, a tryout, or a sign-up form for some activity. There are travel sports teams, art lessons, school musicals – you name it, and it’s all out there waiting for us to say “yes” to on behalf of our kids.

It’s all a little difficult to sort through, especially since every activity seems to be “the” activity. On a given week, the same child might be convinced they need to be an actor, a tennis player, a playwright, and an outdoors expert. Part of our job as parents is to help curate these opportunities – to guide our kids into a decision-making process so that someday they have the strength to say “no” when they need to and “yes” when it’s right.

But that’s hard because you want to help your kids find their “thing.” And after all, how can they find their “thing” unless they try out a whole bunch of “things?” Given that my family is facing these opportunities day by day, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to do that curating. What are the key questions to ask when your child comes to you with an opportunity they are convinced is the right one? I’m sure there are many, but here are three for you to think through:

1. How will this shape my child’s character?

Let’s face it – your child probably isn’t going to be a professional “fill-in-the-blank.” They might think they are, but they will probably find some other thing that excites them down the line. So if that’s true, it would be a mistake for the first question to ask when we are evaluating an opportunity to be about whether doing that thing will put them in line for a Division 1 college scholarship.

We should, however, recognize that allowing our kids to do something that takes up a chunk of their time will inevitably shape their character in some way. So when we recognize that, we would do well to consider it. How will doing this thing shape my son or daughter’s character? And as you’re asking the question, consider who they are likely going to be influenced by while doing that activity. Who’s the coach or the teacher? Who are the other people involved? Those are all factors that shape character.

2. How will this change our family dynamic?

A kid’s activities change the overall family dynamic. It may mean another child is going to more ballgames. Or it might mean someone has to ride the bus that didn’t have to. Or it might mean you are choosing to give up every Saturday morning for the foreseeable future. It’s going to change the family dynamic in some way. And that’s not always a bad thing.

I think it’s a very good thing, in fact, for brothers and sisters to go to their siblings’ sporting events, art shows, or whatever because it makes them think outside of themselves. But when we ask the question, we are recognizing that something is going to change in our home, and we need to think about whether we like the change it will bring. Another way to ask the question might be this: Does this change in our family dynamic move us more toward a family that loves and honors Jesus? Which leads directly to the next question:

3. How will this point us to Jesus?

Ask this question not just about the child doing the activity, but your entire family. How will this activity point us to Jesus? Perhaps it will do so by making us think of others as more important than ourselves. Or perhaps it will do so by helping us see one of the children’s unique skills and abilities given to them so that they might use those skills and abilities to honor Jesus. Or perhaps it will do so for us as parents because it will make us own up to our own competitive nature that is often an affront to the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.

Then again, perhaps it won’t point us to Jesus at all. Perhaps it will serve to pull us away from the people of God and the priority of spiritual growth and development in our families. Either way, we should ask the question if we recognize that the primary goal we have as parents is to point our children to Jesus as the only One who truly satisfies.

Parents, we want to say yes to everything. I know I do because I want my kids to have fun and succeed. But let’s step back for a moment before we do and consider a few things. Ask a few questions. And as we do, pray again and again for the wisdom to do this very hard thing called parenting.

Michael Kelley lives in Nashville, Tenn., with his wife, Jana, and three children: Joshua, Andi, and Christian. He serves as the Sr. Vice President of Church Ministries for Lifeway Christian Resources. He is the author of Growing Down: Unlearning the Patterns of Adulthood that Keep Us from Jesus, Wednesdays Were Pretty Normal: A Boy, Cancer, and God; Transformational Discipleship; and Boring: Finding an Extraordinary God in an Ordinary Life.

This post originally appeared on michaelkelley.co.

Discipleship, Family, Family Ministry, Parent Helps, Parenting

June 16, 2021

ONE UNEXPECTED WAY TO MODEL GOD’S CHARACTER FOR YOUR FAMILY

By Michael Kelley

We have a lot of roles as dads.

Depending on your child, and depending on their age, you might find yourself as a coach, a tutor, or a counselor. You might be a career coach, a protector, or a driving instructor. And on many days, you will find yourself doing all of the above and more. This is who we are. This is what God has called us to be. And all these roles fit under the great and glorious umbrella term of “dad.”

As Christian fathers, though, there is an even greater calling God has given to us – a calling that runs through all these individual roles. God has given us these children not only to protect, provide for, and teach – He has given us these children for us to be a shadow of their greater Father. I am, as their father, a visible portrait of an invisible reality. In other words, both when I do the right thing and when I come up short as a dad, I am but a shadow of who God is. By God’s grace, I pray that when my children encounter God they might say over and over again something like this: “He’s like Daddy, but better.”

God loves me like Daddy does… only better.
God provides for me like Daddy does… only better.
God disciplines me like Daddy does… only better.
God takes care of me like Daddy does… only better.

We are the first and most influential introduction our kids have to what “father” means – and we are meant to point their eyes upward through our character and interactions. This is indeed a high calling. It’s often an intimidating one. And it’s certainly one we fall short of on a regular basis. Yet we get up, day after day, bolstered by God’s grace, to try again.

Have you considered today how the way you speak to your children models God’s fatherhood? Have you thought today how your forgiveness models God’s fatherhood? Have you dwelled today on how your patience models God’s fatherhood? These are good questions to ask. These are good thoughts to keep in mind. But perhaps there is one other way—an even simpler way—to model God’s character in your home. It’s a way so simple it often goes overlooked.

Your steadiness as a father shows the steadiness of God to your family.

I love the many uses of “always” and “never” in the Bible as they describe the Lord:

Lord, you do not withhold your compassion from me. Your constant love and truth will always guard me (Ps. 40:11).
God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble (Ps. 46:1).
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken (Ps. 55:22).
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you (Deut. 31:6).

The list could go on, but all these statements are meant to assure us of the steadiness of God. God is “always” and “never” a lot of things, and all of that steadiness ought to have a generally calming and peaceful effect on us as Christians. But as Christian fathers? It ought to do something in addition to that.

It ought to make us want to model that steadiness in our homes. Of course, you might look at this kind of steadiness and think it amounts to boredom. Maybe it does. But it also brings a sense of security and safety within our homes – that in many ways, our kids know what they get with us as fathers. We are the ones to be counted on, because we are the men who are solid and steady.

Men, there are moments to be “fun dad.” And there are moments to be “discipline dad.” But in all moments, there is the opportunity to be a steady father. Just as our heavenly Father is steady with us.

This post originally appeared on michaelkelley.co.

Family, Parent Helps, Parenting

June 9, 2021

Summer Catch-Up for Kids

By Kids Ministry 101

By Sarah Humphrey

Summer is a great season to soak up time with your kids or the kids in your ministry circles. With schoolwork out of the picture, kids’ brains are freed up to relax, play, and gather themselves through the art of free time, exploration, deeper conversations, and rest.

Unlike any other time of the year, the summer months can be a sweet offering of connection and can set the pace for a productive and fruitful school year in the Fall. What kids often yearn for is quality time, good creative and physical outlets, and sunshine! As an adult, you can use this time to help cleanse and nourish any exhausted portions of their little minds and bodies and simply give them a good, refreshing break.

Having intentional play dates with friends, scheduled outdoor activities, and a lot of time to explore nature are sure ways to brighten their spirits and help them engage with their five senses through outlets that don’t include a desk, television, or homework. This free time can speak volumes to them in ways that will nourish their creativity, enhance their faith, and give their bodies healthy movement and oxygen!

Some of my favorite summer activities include incorporating conversational lessons with the kids around me. When outside for a walk, make sure to allow the time to stop for ant hills, smell flowers, or step in creeks and streams. Talk about how big and creative God is, how He made everything in nature, and how He loves when we enjoy it!

When emotions run high, let summer be a time that you slow down to connect in authentic communication. Listen well to concerns, boo boos, and relational dilemmas. Sometimes kids need a little more attention in these areas, and it’s easy for adults to pass by them quickly. Take this time to stay with them a little longer, nourishing them with band-aids, kind words, and simple prayers.

Find new books to enjoy together (on a blanket under a tree, perhaps!). Let summer enhance a love for reading Bible stories, fun novels, and whatever genres your kids may like. It’s a wonderful opportunity to offer reward incentives for the time they spend in front of a book, instead of the time they watch the television or a screen.

As summer is upon us, give yourself the grace and joy of slowing down with the littles in your life. Let the sunshine warm you, the fresh breezes revive you, and the simple schedule nourish you. Summers are memory-makers for children, and being able to participate in those memories is a privilege!

Discipleship, Encouragement, Family, Parent Helps, Parenting

May 24, 2021

3 Things Not to Say When Your Child Fails

By Michael Kelley

Sometimes I feel like a failure. I think everyone does. And without trying to be self-deprecating, I’ve lived long enough, worked long enough, and tried long enough to have had my fair share of experiences that at least felt a whole lot like failing. I’ve been cut from teams, did poorly on tests, and needed correction in annual reviews. And it’s always painful.

It’s still the moment when no matter how gospel-fluent you think you are that you question your self-worth and wonder if you have the courage to even try again. But even though it’s personally difficult, it pales in comparison at this point in my life to the difficulty of seeing my children fail at something.

That’s what’s truly gut-wrenching – to watch your own child fail at a sport, or a class, or a social encounter, or a whatever. As parents, we can’t stop these moments; nor should we try to. Failure is a terrible experience but a wonderful teacher. So if, then, as parents we are committed to actually allowing our children to fail at some things, then we would do well to ask the question of how to respond appropriately to them when they do.

What do you say when he strikes out? Or when she makes a bad grade? Or when they mess up the joke they’re trying to tell and everyone laughs at them instead of with them? It certainly must be different in every situation, so I’m not sure that it’s a good idea to be particularly formulaic in trying to come up with the right response. There are, however, some things that perhaps we should NOT say:

1. “It’s not the end of the world.”

That’s a true statement. It’s not the end of the world. And, most likely, the pain of that particular failure will be short-lived. But in that moment, when the tears are falling, when the shame feels too deep, when a child simply cannot see the way forward, it’s not a soothing balm when a parent trivializes what has happened to them. There is a right time to offer this kind of perspective, but in the meantime, what a child might need more than that perspective is a parent who will truly feel with them. It’s a mom or a dad who can enter into their sadness with them without trying to tell them how minimal the pain they feel so acutely really is.

Such, I think, is what we find in our heavenly Father, who has recorded all my wanderings and put all my tears in a bottle (Psalms 56:8). When we enter into the sadness of the moment, we can respond with true compassion rather than a response that might seem like triteness.

2. “You’re better than that.”

Most of us have high expectations for our kids. That’s a good thing. I think we do our children a disservice when we don’t challenge them to reach higher. But when a child is sitting in the middle of a failure, it might not be the best time to remind them of those expectations. While it might be true that they can do better – that they can study harder, or watch the ball more closely, or pay more attention – it might also be true that we have overestimated their true ceiling. There comes a moment, then, when all those expectations we have for our children can cease to be an exciting and motivating challenge for them and instead become a crushing weight.

Thankfully, we have a heavenly Father who understands our inadequacies more adequately than even we do ourselves: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him. For he knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust” (Psalms 103:13-14).

3. “You don’t have to do this any more if you don’t want to.”

This statement is the easy road, both for us as parents and our children. When we see our kids trying something, whether a sport, an instrument, or maybe a harder class at school, and failing, there is something in us that wants to escape. And we want to escape not only for our kids; we want to escape for ourselves. So when the failure comes, the easiest thing in the world would be to offer a quick way out. You can quit the team. You can stop practicing the tuba. You can drop the class. But this, too, is a mistake, because the easy way out teaches the easy way out. Of course there are limits to this, but we too quickly allow our kids to develop a mindset of abandonment instead of a mindset of perseverance.

There is great value in perseverance, and the best instructor for perseverance is failure. So while it might be easy to offer to remove the thing that is causing such pain, it does very little in terms of overall heart development, for the Lord is for those who keep their promises, whatever the cost (Psalms 15:4).

Like their parents before them, our kids are going to fail. And for us as their parents, failure is one of the best opportunities to remind our kids of the gospel – for it’s in the gospel that we know God enters into our sadness with us, loves us as we are, and will help us persevere to the end.

This post originally appeared on michaelkelley.co.

Discipleship, Encouragement, Family, Parent Helps, Parenting

May 12, 2021

Top 8 Things Kids Need from Caregivers

By Kids Ministry 101

By Sarah Humphrey

I’m not sure about you, but I wasn’t 100% prepared for parenting when I became a parent. In fact, I was mostly clueless. Like many parents, learning how to raise kids came with a new need to read up on the topic, have a lot of prayer, trial, and error in my process, and also a lot of truth and grace about my present reality. What I didn’t know, I started to study. What didn’t work, I started to change. And what I did well, I continued. Just like learning anything in life, God has been gracious with me as I’m still learning to steward the lives of little ones, whether my own children or other children I encounter in life or ministry.

Over the course of the last eleven years, I’ve compiled a short list for myself on the top 8 things I’ve noticed children need from a healthy caregiver. This has also helped me tremendously as a person, because all of us are still living with our childhood in tow, and watching children grow brings out the inner-child in us as well.

Most people are juggling a lot of things at this time, whether school work and mask mandates, transitioning job responsibilities, or simply the demands of house and home. In a time when life can feel overwhelming, a short list can help us focus and come to a place of peace in our caregiving.

Here are the top 8 ways I’ve learned (and am still learning) to steward the grace of parenting:

Be present. Being aware, hands-free, and focused shows kids that they are important and that they matter. Knowing this early on provides connection, comfort, and safety.
Be prepared. Showing my kids that I have thought of them ahead of time makes them feel loved, seen, cared about, and nurtured. When I’ve taken care of myself, I can much more easily take care of them. Self-care is a great way to be able to remind yourself that you have to fill your cup before pouring it out.
Be intentional. Looking for the ways to support or participate with your kids is one of the easiest ways to create healthy connections. Whether it’s getting up a few minutes early to make them breakfast, washing the clothes they love to wear, or clearing my calendar for events that matter to them, the simple act of intentionality makes everyone feel seen and valued.
Be truthful. Kids love the truth. They are most often literal thinkers, and they need caregivers who will spend the time teaching them all the “Why’s” of life. Knowing the truth helps them feel safe, confident, and smart.
Be encouraging. As much as we are truthful, we also need to be encouraging. Kids thrive on enthusiasm and support. Knowing that they are being guided, supported, and loved helps them thrive within themselves and with others.
Be a good listener. Listening to kids is one of the smartest things we can do. Kids are usually honest. By hearing their requests, feelings, and thoughts, we show them that we care.
Be patient and graceful. Kids are learning so many new things every day. It can feel overwhelming at times! Imagine being in a new city and not knowing how to get from one place to the next. Children can often feel that way in a big world. Take the time to slow down and be gentle.
Be playful and adventurous. Being around children brings out our sense of fun and imagination. Take the time to be spontaneous, enjoy laughter, and have an out-of-the-box day or activity. As adults, it’s so important that we remember that the world is in God’s hands, and we can rest in that!

More than anything, enjoy the little ones in front of you. Caregiving takes a lot of energy, focus, and time, but there are few things more fulfilling than nurturing the life right in your midst!

Discipleship, Family, Parent Helps, Parenting, Teaching Kids

April 26, 2021

Teaching Kids to Talk to God

By Kids Ministry 101

By Sarah Humphrey

Life is better with a friend. It’s even better when that friend is God! Who doesn’t want to have someone they can talk to, confide in, share thoughts and ideas with, and live life with every single day? For most of us, we have family members, friends, and colleagues that we can share our daily lives with. But for a lot of kids this day and age, that may not be the case.

No matter what home life a child comes from, whether healthy and vibrant or distant and challenging, teaching a child how to pray can make a long-lasting impression on them and can help them create a lifestyle of relationship with God from an early age.

As parents or ministers, we all need to have some space from one another so that we can gather ourselves. It can be a lot to hear children’s questions all the time or help them navigate the waters of life with every tide or turn. That’s why teaching them to pray on their own is one of the most loving and beautiful points of connection they may ever learn. And it’s one of the most significant skills that we may ever teach. It’s a win/win for everyone!

God never tires of hearing from us (thank goodness!), and He is always available when we need a friend. So if you come across an extra chatty kiddo or one that seems to be struggling, here are a few points that can help them develop relationship and conversation with the One who always wants to spend time with them!

Ask God how He’s doing! Have you ever realized that when we put our thoughts on God, that it always makes us think more clearly, hear better, and feel more alive? He just loves that! Take a few minutes to say “Hello” to Jesus and then spend a few more minutes in silence–listening and waiting for Him. Sometimes it’s the silence that actually makes our heart feel most peaceful, and God’s favorite thing to do is share is perfect love with us!
Tell God about your day! You can tell Him out loud, or write it down. You can draw a picture for Him, or even call Him on a pretend phone. It’s good to let out feelings, happenings, and thoughts so they don’t get cluttered up on the inside!
Speak out a special Bible verse that means a lot to you! Praying a Bible verse out loud or simply speaking it back to God is a great way to talk to Him. You can even sing it like a song, or draw it on paper. God loves to see what you make!
Practice listening. When you have a conversation with a friend, it’s good to listen just as much as it’s good to talk. When you take time to simply open your ears, especially after you share something with God, many times your thoughts and ideas become more clear. If you chat a little bit, then wait a little bit, you might even start thinking of something new or start feeling a positive emotion, instead of a sad one. Practicing back and forth also helps form good manners, and it gives you a chance to learn how to pray a little bit longer each time!
Say thank you often. Every good gift comes from our Father. He gives us nature, sunshine, life, family, and friends. When we say thank you every day, we learn happiness in a whole new way. It helps us have good attitudes about challenges, and it gives us the energy to love others well, too. Look around your surroundings, and practice saying thank you for what you see!

A few tips can go a long way for little ones! Kids love to connect, and teaching them to pray is a life-changing way to do so.

Family, Parent Helps, Parenting, Uncategorized

March 29, 2021

How to Talk with your Kids

By Klista Storts

These days, especially these days, our kids can easily isolate themselves in their rooms, on their screens, doors shut, earbuds in. And sometimes, it’s just easier that way, isn’t it? Not having to confront them with hard conversations; not asking a question, only to be the recipient of an eyeroll or a heavy sigh. And they’re thinking the same thing on the other side of that door. It is a lot easier.

But easier is not better.

It’s time to take a risk of rejection and start pursuing our kids. Truly pursuing them.

Today’s generation is said to be the loneliest generation ever. (I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty lonely right now, myself.) We can do our part to help them through this, by letting them know we care, that they’re loved, and that they’re important. And maybe even letting them know we actually LIKE them!

Timing is everything. Find times that your kids are at ease and more open to a little conversation. This could be at dinner, in the car, at bedtime. You’ll know when.

Have some questions in mind to get discussion started.

What was your favorite part of the day?
What was the hardest part of your day?
If you could stop doing one thing forever, what would it be?
What’s something that you’re looking forward to?

As time goes by, doors will open for deeper discussions. But caution! Don’t try to jump there too quickly—they’ll get suspicious and ask what you’ve been reading. (I speak from experience!)

I read recently that the entire Bible is the story of God pursuing us. Don’t you love that? Doesn’t it make you feel loved knowing that God desires a relationship with you? Imagine how your kids will feel when they realize that you truly desire a relationship with them. Start showing them now.

Enjoy the pursuit! It’s worth it!

Klista Storts serves as an Editorial Ministry Specialist for Lifeway Kids. Before coming to Lifeway, she served as the Weekday and Preschool Specialist at the Tennessee Baptist Convention and as Director of Preschool Ministries at churches in Oklahoma and Tennessee. Klista has a passion for equipping leaders to share the love of Christ and lay foundations for conversion in the lives of kids.

Family, Parent Helps, Parenting

February 22, 2021

End of Winter Bucket List for Families

By Kids Ministry 101

By Sarah Humphrey

February can be a long month, even when it’s a short one! The days can be dark, and the ache for Spring starts to birth in us the desire for all things fresh and new. Though it can be tough to keep kids motivated during the winter months, here are a few bucket list items that can spur you on in faith and fun. They don’t cost much, and Spring will be here before we know it!

Make an inside-the-house scavenger hunt. Create a few riddles or clues about things around the house that can lead you on a mini-adventure. A half hour of running around the house can lead to a freshly charged heart and a laugh or two.
Clean up the clutter! Have each of your kids fill up a garbage bag full of trash, tattered items, or things you don’t use anymore. If you find some things in good working order that are no longer needed, make an extra pile of items to donate. Whoever has the best bag of goods, gets $5!
Make a Friday Night ice cream tradition. Each Friday night, choose a new flavor of ice cream to share as a family. Make it a point to try flavors you typically would never buy!
Sibling arguments in close quarters? Have each child find a Bible verse that is encouraging or affirmative to each of their siblings. They may need some adult help, but it will be a joy to watch them support one another instead of squabble with one another!
Arts and Crafts time is always a favorite! Head to your local store and buy a new coloring book, fresh paint, or even nail polish for girls. Take the time to enjoy color, creativity, and the simple fun of fresh crayons and coloring inside (or outside!) the lines.
Who doesn’t like to laugh? Google a few tongue twisters, and repeat them five–ten times. Go faster with each repetition, laugh, and have some fun!
Take a trip to your local store and find a new board game for the family to play together. It’s amazing how much you can engage with one another when you learn a new game. Memories like these last forever, and the tradition can be carried on for years to come.
Eat more cake! Baking together can be a sweet activity that includes following directions, learning about the ways of the kitchen, enjoying and expressing creativity, and also ending with a treat! Find a recipe that fits the age range of your kids, turn on a little music, and have fun creating something together!
Take a nap. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is the hardest thing to make time for. Watch an afternoon movie until you fall asleep on the couch, cuddle in bed and close all the blinds, or sprawl out on your fuzzy carpet. A twenty-minute power nap is God’s grace to us all!
Call a loved one you haven’t spoken to in awhile and check in! Hearing the voice of someone you love is one of the best things in life. During a time when people feel isolated and lonely, FaceTime and phone calls are such a gift.

Though we never want to wish away the time, winter can be tough. Enjoy these tips to spruce up the last days of cold, and savor the sweetness of connection and comfort!

Encouragement, Family, Parent Helps, Parenting

February 15, 2021

How To Be Friends With Your Daughter (And Still Be The Parent)

By Kids Ministry 101

By Chrissy Duke

Being a parent and a friend often seems like a contradiction, or just too layered to be true at the same time. Either way, it is a common critique of parents that they either err on the side of being their child’s friend, or they simply have little to no personal relationships outside of setting boundaries and rules with their children. Where is the balance and can there be a balance between the two?

I remember as an elementary age kid one morning waking up to a horribly loud crashing noise. I ran out of my room to find my mom, who had recently had knee surgery, had slipped on the stairs and fallen down the entire flight. 911 was already being called because she couldn’t move. Needless to say, it was scary as a young child, seeing this and watching your mom be taken to the hospital by ambulance. To skip to the end real quick – my mom ended up being okay and came home the same day! But I remember after this all happened, my dad took all of us kids for an early morning breakfast, maybe to cheer us up or to distract us all from what happened. Either way, when we got home, as I unwrapped my breakfast sandwich it slipped from the wrapper and fell to the ground. I immediately started bawling! My dad picked me up, set me on his lap, and whispered in my ear, “I know you’re scared, but mom is going to be okay.” I specifically remember the amazement I felt that he knew I wasn’t upset about the breakfast sandwich. I was so grateful in that moment that He understood me, and assured me that it was okay to be scared.

Whether we are family or friends, our goal in relationships is focused in the same direction and the ultimate goal is connection—to be known and understood. We all long for connection, a space where we can be known and know another. In fact, we don’t just long for it, we are made for it. God created us to be connected with others. It’s no small thing that God Himself is in constant connection and relationship with Himself. He is the triune God—Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It’s hard to comprehend but He within Himself is fully in connection and fully known! He created us in His image, with the intentional design to need connection. We are not supposed to do life alone.

A parent relationship and a friend relationship often look different. A parent connection happens naturally, automatically—simply because you are family. But a friend relationship seems like the place where connection is deeper. A friend is often the person whom you confide in and offer honesty with in a way you may not with a parent. When you go to a friend, you are really looking for someone who you can share with that will say, “oh man, i know how you feel.” “That is so unfair.” “I am so sorry you went through that.” “Wow, how awesome that happened!” So, even though a friend and parent both seek connection, a parent may feel it’s impossible to be a “friend” because of discipline. boundaries and rules.

I would like to offer one suggestion for you to create a connection with your daughter that reflects the automatic connection, as well as a deeper connection and understanding. The invitation is to offer validation.

Validation is when you recognize or affirm a person’s feelings or opinions as valid or worthwhile. At first glance, I’m sure you feel like validation is the wrong way to go especially if your child has just rolled their eyes at you for the hundredth time today, or they just shoved their sister down as they walked to their room. And yet, the most beautiful thing about validation is it does not declare their action as right or wrong.

Validation is the opportunity to connect even in the most difficult or hurtful of situations. In Michael Sorensen’s book on validation, he says validation is essentially “saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”1 You may have heard it said that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. Feelings are there to inform us, to tell us and point us to truth. When we validate someone, we for a moment suspend the right and wrongness of the situation and offer to empathize with the emotion.

For example: when your daughter rolls her eyes again, you can offer validation of the emotion (not the action). “I don’t blame you for being frustrated right now, being told no is frustrating when you have a plan you would like to see happen.” You may be amazed how quickly this little thing called validation diffuses a situation. It immediately creates connection.

Is this not the type of connection we look for in our friendships? What if, as parents, we can create opportunities for this same type of connection without stepping away from discipline and equipping our children to make wise choices. What if validation is a way we can enter into and appreciate their struggle and as we create connection we also create the safe space to reinforce boundaries?

If you read through the gospels, you will encounter countless examples of how Jesus validated His followers and friends without condoning their sin. Think about John 11 when Jesus weeps over the death of Lazarus. Even though He knew that Lazarus would rise again, “when Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, he was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled.” (v. 33). Jesus was compassionate to His friend, Martha, and the Jews, and despite their doubts, He extended an invitation for them to witness the miraculous resurrection of their friend, Lazarus.

It’s a beautiful reminder that our Heavenly Father isn’t just our Savior—He is our friend. And if you want to model your parenting after anyone, He’s the best example there is.

1. Michael Sorenesen, I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships (Autumn Creek Press, 2017).

Chrissy Duke is a passionate follower of Jesus Christ who loves to share what God is speaking to me with other young girls and women! She is also a wife and a mother of two beautiful girls. Chrissy has a calling to help the marginalized be recognized, heard, and helped. She does this primarily through an organization called Beauty For Ashes Africa. They work to combat human trafficking in North Africa, where they have a transition home for at-risk girls! Chrissy loves a good cup of coffee in the morning, getting outside in nature, and being with family.

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